Feeling guilty and pathetic

How do you cope when you hear about other people being ill with serious illness? Does it make you feel guilty? And like you are making a fuss over nothing? And that you should be able to get up and carry on like others do?

My thoughts for today.  Many people have awful illnesses or problems to deal with and still carry on with life no matter how hard, so why can’t I do that?  All the people who help me have health issues of their own and are often unwell and or in pain, but still work for me, whilst I have to rest and be helped.  Do I just need a kick up the bum and to get on with things?  Would I be better if I had a job, stopped feeling sorry for myself, got out of the house, had a hobby, played with my daughter etc, etc?

All I know is that simple activities like having a bath, ironing a few clothes, making a bed are exhausting and leave me in pain.  I do try and always push beyond my limits as I don’t want to let people down or look bad.  But its not as bad as other illnesses is it?  How can other people work through the pain, the fatigue or other symptoms and yet I need to go and rest and even then don’t feel much better.  A friend of mine has been having cancer treatment through the summer, she is really positive and has been carrying on as much as she can despite fatigue and demands of treatment and hospital visits. I haven’t even been able to summon the time and energy to go and see her, she is 130 miles away, not around the corner, but even so I feel bad.

I want to be able to work and carry on and lead a normal life, I feel like I miss out on so much and that other people must be so much stronger than me.  People must think I am so pathetic.  I don’t have to have any treatment or go to hospital appointments or have lots of tests all I have to do is live with a host of symptoms, surely that shouldn’t be so difficult and I could do more.  Make more of an effort to get things done or finished; be with people; be a better mum, friend, wife, daughter etc; do things for myself instead of getting help; stop making excuses and get on with it.  But I do try and I am floored by my efforts, so how can others do it and I can’t?  There are so many jobs I would like to do and people I would like to help, things I would like to study or make, things I want to do for and with my family.

I feel like I have wasted so much of my life and not made anything of myself, everything I try seems to go wrong, but is that because of me, not the ME?  Is it my attitude that is wrong? Is it because I don’t try hard enough, because I give in, because I can’t cope with pain and fatigue and other symptoms.  

I get upset watching Tv programmes like Bake Off or Masterchef, all the contestants seem to be a similar age to me (43) and want a change of career or a challenge as they have reached a certain age.  I don’t have a career and my only challenge is getting through the day.  Or if I watch Homes Under the Hammer people have the money to buy a house, they do it up along side a full time job and then sell it on and make a profit.  The houses always look great and very few people fail.  When we do anything in the house its always basic and functional, nothing matches and we are lucky if it gets fully finished or finished in the way we anticipated.  Maybe I shouldn’t watch these sorts of programmes, but they are easy to watch, don’t need much concentration or stamina to watch.  I don’t watch a lot of TV as again there is little time and energy and it is surprisingly difficult with concentration and hearing issues, not to mention little control over what is actually on.  most of the stuff I watch is recorded so we can watch it in peace after Emily goes to bed, but by then I can only manage to watch about half an hour even of easy TV.  

You hear of people with terminal illnesses running marathons or fundraising for a great cause.  I would never be interested in running a marathon even if I was able to, but a long walk would be good and fundraising is a great thing to do as well as raising awareness.  They don’t sit there saying how bad things are and how life is so cruel, they get out there and get on with it and enjoy what they have. What stops me from doing that?

I need to be very pathetic now and go to rest.  I still haven’t got all the jobs done and I am very unsettled so don’t think it will be a restful rest, but I know if I push on I will be in an even worse state when Emily gets home.  I know 90 year olds who can do more than me, makes me feel so pathetic,  I know many don’t have the luxury of being alive or reaching old age so who am I to complain about being able to feel the pain, fatigue, dizziness and other symptoms or to have the chance to worry about them and wonder what life holds for me.

When I started this blog I had great aspirations for it, I was going to make lots of informative posts, create lots of craft items to show, but all I seem to do is write about how I feel and not achieve anything.

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