I feel like a total failure today. My PA has rung in sick so I have had to do what I can, which was mainly take down and hang up washing, put rubbish out and part empty dishwasher. Having to do this means I cannot go to my wellbeing group as it has used all my little energy and I have to be able to collect Emily from school and get to Sheffield tomorrow for interring my grandma’s ashes. But I feel like a failure because I can’t get to the group and can’t do all the jobs that need doing and was not able to give Emily the attention she needed this morning due to sorting out messages about PA. Now I will be in bed for rest of the day, just to be able to do school pick up. Rob said he would finish work early, but the things really could not have waited all day, the wet washing has already been sat there since last night and why should work suffer because my PA is ill and I can’t cope?
I was already feeling rubbish when I got up, pain, fatigue and dizziness from being out in the cold last night watching fireworks with Emily and a friend, but so glad I made the effort as they were so excited and both cuddled up with me whilst the dad’s did the fire and fireworks. They are both only children so enjoy having time together and get on well, but I very nearly didn’t go because of feeling bad and worrying about being different (needing different food, somewhere to sit down and not being able to hear well enough to join in conversation). It did go better than I expected and was worth the pain and effort. I was very emotional yesterday as feeling so ill and unable to cope and feeling like I miss out on nice things in order to do necessary basics and also dealing with some emotional family issues. I am finding it very difficult to cope with Emily’s behaviour and the harder I find it the more she plays up. It is also difficult now it is colder, wetter and darker to give her an outlet for her energy and frustration, so she charges around and makes a lot of noise and mess and jumps on furniture, because she needs an outlet and then we end up telling her to calm down, sit still, be quiet, its all wrong.
With it always pushing the limits of what I can do unexpected events mean that something has to give and its the things that I do for my own benefit that give. Missing 5 ways is making me feel so useless and that people will think I am pathetic. I have had a few comments from people about my energy and expenditure saying that I am constantly living outside my energy envelope and doing too much and doing the wrong things, but how do I change that and also recognise what I have done and be happy with that rather than what I can’t do and beat myself up.
I was complaining about Emily’s willows worker not turning up on Friday, just found out she was in a car accident, but she she was on her way to collect someone for a group at the time she must have notified work, so why didn’t they tell me? Thankfully it seems she is ok, but badly shaken, but why did I have to find this out on facebook, is that the only way people communicate these days?!
I really need to finish up now writing this is not good for me either, but I have to share this Penguins video gave me a much needed laugh. Just watched the John Lewis penguin ad felt like I was the only person who hadn’t seen it, rarely watch TV.
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