Down again!

Feeling rather down again today, had a busy day yesterday. Does anyone else feel that everything is their fault and that people have a low opinion of you even though you try your hardest, its never good enough? I went out to the car this morning and found it unlocked, started telling myself how stupid I was and how it was all my fault and I should be more careful etc, etc, then I thought hang on a minute it wasn’t me who took the car out last and I had just assumed it would be my fault. I know if I mention it to Rob he will blame someone else or just laugh. My oven stopped working last night, blew the fuse and now won’t work at all. For ages the light hasn’t worked and Rob broke the casing trying to change bulb, so we just left it, but I decided I wanted a new unit so the light would work, so Rob took out the old one to check which we needed. So next time we use the oven it blows the fuse, so I am blaming myself for wanting the light repaired, which is now on order and will probably be a waste of money and cost me a new oven instead. I was brought up being told a lot of things were my fault and now I just blame myself or take the blame for anything and everything, but I feel so useless. I am playing the victim? Guess I am, but can’t help how I feel. I went to the well being group yesterday, its supposed to make me feel better, but I come away thinking I shouldn’t be there as everyone else has worse things to deal with than me and I keep quiet about my own issues as they don’t seem important.

I do get some things from going to the group, but the exertion of it is difficult and then I had unexpected demands on my time and energy last night making it more difficult. I tend to take other peoples issues on board and want to sort them all out, but don’t think my issues are important. Being with a group of people with all manner of issues also sparks issues of my own and then because I am worn out today and can’t do much to take my mind off things I dwell on them.  Sitting here is not good use of my time and energy, something else to beat myself up about, especially as I am having my hair coloured later which always makes me feel ill and Emily is having a friend for tea at the same time, not good timing, but can’t let Emily and her friend down because I choose to do something for myself that I really shouldn’t be doing.  I know I will feel even worse tomorrow and will just want to curl up in bed, no chance of that though as Rob in London, its cleaning day (for the cleaner not me!) and then Rob out in the evening, life carries on no matter how I feel.  I am struggling to type getting all the letters mixed up so I do hope that some of this makes sense.

At 5 ways yesterday we again talked about seeing positives and making small steps towards goals. Everyone else seems to do so well and makes progress, whilst I feel stuck.  I really need to get back into the seeing positives, it was useful.  I read Gratitude in short supply a column written in Psychology Today by Toni Bernhard an ME sufferer who writes about her experiences and has written books too.  Also read What is wrong with me another of her articles and they are very good and I can relate to them, just need to put into practice.

Its difficult to have a positive as there always seems to be a but.  I went to 5 ways yesterday, but it was difficult and I am suffering for it today.  I was able to take Emily to Gymnastics, but I shouldn’t have done, but had no choice she couldn’t have gone otherwise and I can’t let her down because I did something for myself.  I got some things discussed with Rob, but it meant I was later going to bed and then didn’t sleep.  What looks like a positive always has a consequence for me, its tough, but I know I should be grateful that I can do some things even if they do have consequences.  If I always thought about the consequences I wouldn’t do anything, but I know how things affect me and choose to suffer the consequences.  Is that right?  Is it the best thing for me and my family?

I want to get out of this horrid depressed rut, it doesn’t help me or my family, but what can I do, like everything else I feel awful, but there is nothing much than can be done, apart from me pulling myself together and getting on with things regardless.

I was wondering last night why I write this blog.  Yes its an outlet, but many things go unsaid as I don’t know who reads it.  I am not normally a public person, so why write something that can be read by anyone who has the internet?  I feel that people don’t listen to me, is this a way of just sounding off to anyone who cares to read?  I don’t get feedback so have no idea what people think.  Did I hope that people were going to come along and make things better for me?  I wanted people to understand better, but I doubt that happens and why should people need to understand it doesn’t affect them so they don’t need to think about it or worry about it.  If I find it useful that should be all that matters, but again is it the best use of my energy?  If I don’t type or write the issues bubble round in my head, if I type or write I get more tired and dizzier and feel generally rubbish so is it helping?

As ever I feel I am neglecting my craft stuff.  I have stitched a card which I need to finish off and I have another to start and really want to get the dolls knitted for Emily for Christmas, but don’t get me started on Christmas, it should be banned for people with ME, to much to do, too many expectations, totally fed up with it and more than a month to go.

I need to have a few priorities instead of a huge list of things I want to do and realise that I can’t manage lots of things and when I  have a busy day accept that I will feel bad and not try to do much the following day, but it never happens like that and I keep trying to carry on and set myself up for a fall.  How can I expect people to recognise my limitations if I don’t accept them myself.  Why is it wrong to rest when I need to, why do I feel I have to prove something.  I am ill, tired, weak, dizzy, but the pressure piles on every day, will I ever accept that?  Of course what is a busy day for me is a fraction of what other people do, so even a busy day feels like a failure.  Oh dear another moan, but maybe I can get a bit of rest now.

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