I am trying to be more positive and not write posts that are negative or moany, but today I really need to get this off my chest as I am so upset.
The other day someone told Emily that I only care about myself, which upset Emily. I don’t have an issue with the child, but I do want to know where she has got that comment from, it’s got to be something she has heard.
Then trying to console Emily I needed to move cos I was in pain and Emily said she didn’t care if I was uncomfortable. When I was telling Rob about it, he wasn’t listening.
Yesterday I was putting great effort into using my scooter for school run and was asked if I was lazy and when I explained was told that so and so is really ill and has no life. When asked about holidays I said that it was nice but hard work, to which I was told oh don’t be silly. I could have taken the easier option and driven to school at least that way I don’t see anyone. I should be happy that someone actually spoke to me, normally I get ignored. They weren’t trying to be cruel, but it gets to me what people think and say.
I have had several sarcastic well done comments for pushing myself way beyond my limits to do things that are considered normal by other people, eg shopping and taking my daughter out.
I have always known that people feel like this and view me in this way, and in some respects I am glad that things have been said, rather than just said behind my back. It makes me want to say ok come everyone be honest what do you really think. Although it is upsetting at least I know that it is not me that is paranoid and negative.
It hurts so much everything I do is for others and often at high cost to my health. The only thing I try to do for myself is a monthly quilting class, but I have only been twice in the last 12 months and it is this weekend and looking like I won’t be able to go again as others needs are greater and I can’t do both.
I have just spent the last 6 weeks making sure Emily can do everything she wants to do, but no matter how hard I try it is not good enough and there have been lots of tantrums and I just feel like I am not good enough and am punished for it.
There are things at home that need doing, but my requests get ignored as everyone wants to do their own thing rather than help me, jobs that will take people 5 mins, but will take me all day and make me worse.
Why is it ok for others to do things for themselves, but if I do it I am selfish?
I can’t go into details as it is unfair on others and I will be criticised for it.
I am really upset, too tired to rest, too tired to cope, too upset to rest, but I am sitting typing a blog post so I must be selfish and doing something I want to do and I must be lazy because I am sitting down.
Does having an illness/disability mean that you are not entitled to feelings or personal needs and that as a punishment for being ill for you should put all your time and energy into doing things to please others?
I could rant on all day, but it is rather pointless and distressing. I hope that my next post will be more positive and light hearted, but that will depend on how I am treated.