Dark Nights

I am posting this with trepidation as I don’t want to be criticised or thought badly of, but having shared with a few people who have said it is good and powerful I am going to bite the bullet.

Warning emotional content, you don’t have to read it, written a few nights ago around 1am.

Fed up of not sleeping, fed up of pain, my head such a jumble.  Feel so dizzy and it feel like all the thoughts spinning around.  Don’t know what to do, don’t seem to be able to speak them or write them down, it’s all trapped in my head torturing me stopping me from sleeping, stopping me from living.

Each day seems such a struggle, always so hard, so pointless, yet I have to keep moving along pushing through the daily grind and hassles everything such a battle, no pleasure in anything.  So frustrating, everything grates on me and annoys me, but no one cares enough to notice, I am just the person who complains all the time so not worth paying attention to and no one sees the pain inside, the torture, the constant drain on my energy by every little thing, they see the bad tempered boring person who has no interest in things.

People only see the things I fail at, all the things I have done wrong or given up on, things that torture me each day and make me feel useless, day in day out it never stops, all the things I can’t do, all the regrets and wasted opportunities, all the life lost that can’t be redone or reclaimed or changed the constant pain of things gone wrong, things lost forever.

My head is such a mess, but the thoughts are stuck, they daren’t come out, they’d never stop.  When I try to sort things out for myself something happens and my needs have to be sacrificed, but then there isn’t a solution for me or ME so I just have to muddle along and keep quiet and go along with what others need and want.

My head is so dizzy it’s going to burst, sometimes I just wish it would, to release the pressure, stop the dizziness, the noise, the constant spinning and throbbing, it never ends.  Even when I sleep the turmoil continues, the thoughts, the dreams the feeling of constant unrest and turmoil.  It never stops there is not rest, no break no relief.

The constant exhaustion, struggle, restlessness, on and on.  I need to stop, but how does life stop except for death of course.  It’s like a constant roundabout that you never get off, round and round, day and night, stuck in the vortex.

Too many battles, too many loses, too many regrets, too many mistakes on and on, no relief, no change, no pleasure, spinning, spinning, round and round.

Caught up in the daily swirl, fighting all the time, yet unnoticed, invisible, unheard.  Stuck in a world no one else understands.

Trying so hard, but never succeeding, cheated of so much life, constantly punished and tortured despite trying so hard.  There is no peace, no calm, no joy, no easy ride, no respect.

My heart is breaking, my tears long gone, replaced by a total void.

How can I move along each day feeling this way, so empty, so useless a living death.

But get up in the morning and carry on, no one knows the pain, the turmoil, the distress, it’s in my head hidden away, eating away day by day.

Who knows tomorrow might be a better day, but even then the turmoil is not at bay for long and the struggle continues whirling round, endless on and on.

My physical and mental pain not deemed enough to need help, not distressing enough, really – it never ends it eats me from the inside no one can see it, they only see the uselessness, the dependency, the bad temper, the failure, but not the agonies in my head day after day.

Stuck in my head, stuck in my useless body, screaming to get out, stop the spinning, the pressure, the mental and physical pain.

STOP.

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