New Year Blues

I always struggle with New Year and this year is no different.

Christmas here was hectic as ever, trying to keep everyone happy.  Mum and I didn’t want to be in Sheffield, so we had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home for a change and my Mum stayed with us.  My brother and family joined us for Christmas Eve, which was nice, we don’t see a lot of them and Emily was an angel in the local church nativity service.

We went to Sheffield on Boxing day and stayed for a couple of days to catch up with rest of the family.  Emily stayed with my Mum the night Rob and I came home and was bringing her back on the train following day.  But of course, it snowed and the buses got taken off, so our nice peaceful morning on our own was taken up trying to organise getting them to station for train!  Mum stayed over New Year and everyone went back to normal on January 2nd!

It was a strange Christmas without my Dad, but easier than last year when we had to hospital visit too.  We talked about him a lot and tried to enjoy ourselves.  Moving on into a New Year is strange too, it feels like we are leaving him behind.

I am still plodding along with the ME, it never lets up and gets me down quite a lot.  I need lots of rest and still don’t feel great and feel I miss out on a lot.  I got a new wheelchair at Christmas, it is a lighter one than I had so it is easier to push and get in and out of car, which means in theory I can do things with Emily, but in reality will make little difference.

I am quite unsettled at the moment and finding rest and sleep difficult.  When I do manage to sleep I am having strange dreams.

In one I found lots of plants in my room, that I hadn’t know were there.  Dream Mood says;

“To see plants in your dream indicate fertility, spiritual development, potential, and growth. Alternatively, the appearance of plants in your dream reflect your caring and loving nature. If you are estranged from your children, then the plants may be seen as representative for your children.”

I am feeling bad about my ability to be a good Mum to Emily and my ability to help with her anxieties and her being unwell.  I feel we are losing our closeness, she only seems to want me at bedtime and wants to sleep in my bed.  It could also be that I am the child and I have lost my Dad?

“In particular, to see indoor plants in your dream suggest that your growth is being hindered or slowed in some way. You are experiencing a lack of independence. Alternatively, the dream signifies your desire to be closer to nature.”

They were indoor plants.  I always feel I am being hindered and unable to grow and feel I lack independence.  I think these feelings are stronger at New Year with another year passing without any changes.

“To see droopy, withered or dead plants in your dream suggest that you are at a standstill in your life. You are lacking initiative.”

Some of the plants were wilted others not.  I do feel at a standstill and don’t know how to move on.  I am struggling to get started on things.  I feel unable to make decisions as they might upset others.  Or if I do take initiative it is not accepted.

“Dreaming that plants are growing at a rapid pace or that the plants are growing right before your eyes mean that time is passing you by. You are taking certain things for granted or that you are not taking the time to notice the little things in life.”

In the dream there was an ivy that had grown around the furniture and I had to pull it all out.  This could well represent time passing me by as again this feeling is very strong at New Year.  It’s also near to Emily’s birthday so wondering where the last 11 years has gone.

Another of the dreams is that I am trying to escape from a building and I can’t get out, either because of it being locked down or a fire.

Dreams Mood says;

“Dreaming that you are unable to make an escape represents a feeling of helplessness or not being able to escape from life’s problems and stresses. Consider the significance and symbolism of where or what you are trying to escape from. The dream may also point to a lack of direction or confidence.”

This is definitely true.  The building is often a hospital, I guess this could represent my health or that I used to work in a hospital.

“To see or dream that you are in a hospital symbolises your need to heal or improve your physical or mental health. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are giving up control of your own body. Perhaps you are afraid of losing control of your body.”

This is definitely true and is perhaps why I am usually stuck in the hospital, because I feel stuck with my health.

Finally there are a couple that are linked to my past, one where I am working, but always forget my time sheet so don’t get paid.  The other is not knowing if I got my degree or not and trying to find out, but no one answers me.

Dreams Mood says;

“To dream about your salary symbolises the results of your hard work. You need to take advantage of the opportunities. It is also an indication of your level of confidence and strength.”

So I guess I feel I am not being rewarded for my hard work.  This would tie in with feeling everything is hard work and I don’t get much pleasure from things.  Or that their is little reward for all the energy needed and often negative effects from doing things.

The nearest I could find for the degree dream is;

“Taking a test implies lack of confidence:

Failing a test in your dream says a lot about your self-esteem and confidence or the lack of. You tend to sell yourself short and overly worry about not making the grade or that you are not measuring up to other people’s expectations of you. You may even be described as a people pleaser because you don’t want to let others down. You always second-guess yourself and fear not being accepted or not being good enough.”

This is definitely true.

Well I am sure many will think this is a load of mumbo jumbo, but I think it is interesting and may indicate things i need to look at changing or trying to improve.

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