Another year, nothing changes!

This picture really resonates with me. I hate that I have not been able to work for 20 years. I really want to work and have a purpose and an identity, not to mention an income sense of achievement. Yes it’s nice to have a break from work if you have a job, but a 20-year break and no chance of getting a job even if I got better tomorrow due to having no experience or qualification in the last 20 years.

Today I got an email telling me of jobs I could do from home, but I couldn’t do any of them due to hearing loss, poor concentration and fatigue. I always say find me a job I can do from home an hour a day and I might manage it, but not always and if I was working I wouldn’t be able to do anything else.

It always seems to feel worse at the beginning of the year as you are so aware of another year having passed by and everyone is making progress and or doing what they enjoy. Even people who are unhappy in their jobs can be looking for something else and at least they have an income. I want to be able to use my brain and my skills, but often struggle with even the most basic tasks and everything I know is out of date. I have several qualifications to post grad degree level, now that all feels like it was a waste of time and money. I find it hard to believe that I was able to function at that level once and work more than full time hours and it feels like no one believes me, even those who know what I did.

I will be 48 (the big 50 is looming) this year and that feels so old for someone who hasn’t achieved anything yet and hasn’t worked for 20 years. I am nearer to retirement age than starting work age. I did start work when I was 16. As for a pension, no chance, so I will be old and poor, bit like I am now! It’s so difficult being dependant on other people not only for physical and emotional support, but financially too, it just makes you feel so useless.

I don’t even have much of an idea what I would like to do if I could work. I always wanted to work in health care and or with children, especially young children (older ones are hard work!) I want to be able to support and help people, not be on the other end of it. I also like organising things and would enjoy being an events co-ordinator or the like possibly for a charity, but they are all dreams.

I love animals too, but not sure I could work with them as I would get too attached. Running a cattery or something would be cool, I have had plenty of practice with my old boy. Not sure I could cope with demands of fussy owners though!

I enjoy crafts, but am so slow at anything and poor concentration and brainfog mean I make a lot of mistakes and it becomes more frustrating than rewarding. I can’t make any money from it as I don’t produce much and I would always spend more than I made anyway. I do have my own website, which you will know if you are reading this, but most of the work is done by other people and blog posts take days or even weeks to write.

I have been having a conversation on Facebook about respect and how you seem to lose the right to respect when ill and unable to work. People seen to think it is ok to criticise you and make fun of you and take you for granted. Also people think that they are more important because they work and earn money, somehow if you can’t do that you aren’t important. But how do you measure importance? I mean I am important to my cat as otherwise he doesn’t get fed and cleaned. The person who empties the bins is as important as the manager, the manager can’t work in a filthy environment. I can remember as a child being told if I didn’t do well at school I would end up working in a sausage factory! Without someone making the sausages people can’t eat them! This was made more confusing by the fact we bought sausages from the butcher who made his own and he owned the business and was therefore the sausage maker and a business man.

I think I may have rambled in enough now and should finally post this. I would be interested in what people think, but please be kind.

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