Aggghh, my anxiety levels are going mad, I am so tired and in pain too.  Now Emily is back at school I am in the house alone much of the day and my mind works over time and drives me mad with issues that bother me and other than my blog I have no outlet for them.  I don’t know if it is good use of my time and energy to write them for my blog, but it not good keeping them in my head either.  Due to Emily not wanting to go to bed at the moment I have no time to speak to Rob as by the time Emily finally settles I need to be in bed too and he can’t take time off work just to talk to me.  He doesn’t want to spend any time we do have together listening to me moaning either agghhh!

Talking of anxiety Emily’s bed issues seem to be an anxiety thing too she usually refuses to go to bed and comes downstairs every few minutes.  She has always been so good with bed but the last few months have been terrible.  Last night I was in bed at the same time as her and she never moved.  I think it stems back to when my grandma got taken to hospital, my mum was putting Emily to bed and the phone rang and she answered it and it was carers telling her my grandma was ill and had been rushed to hospital.  After the phone call my mum abandoned Emily and flew down stairs in tears and then it was a mad panic getting my Mum to the hospital and I was left with a distressed Emily and my Dad who also does not react well to shocks and I basically had to get them both settled.  I kept in touch with my Mum and Rob by text and things seemed to be going ok and we all settled down eventually.  That was a Saturday night and then on the Monday morning we got a call saying she had deteriorated and was not going to live much longer, which was rather a shock as the day before they said that they were sending her home.  I rushed off to see her leaving Emily to be picked up from school by a friend.  We got the phone call saying my grandma had died just after we got back from visiting her and not long before bedtime.

I just keep feeling that I am getting everything wrong and that I am not good enough and a disappointment to everyone.

The thing making me laugh at the moment is everyone asking me where my ladybirds have gone?

It had the ladybirds down the side too which I don’t have a picture of, which made it quite distinctive.  The man who cleans the wheelie bins just said he used to see us all over Leeds!  Well at least now I can drive round unrecognised.

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