I have spent large chunks of the last few days in bed as I have been unable to do my normal stuff without feeling too ill and it is already hitting me this morning. BUT why do I feel guilty, why should I try and do more, why should I be up and about and doing as much as possible, why should I do things I know will make me feel much worse. What is wrong with resting, or lying in bed when I have the chance? What is bad about resting most of the day so I feel ok when my daughter finishes school? Why should I do what other people want me to do or keep others happy when it makes me feel so ill?
For weeks I have been feeling guilty because I can’t make enough stuff to be able to sell and get some money back, but why should I, I am not well enough to do it and often don’t manage to make enough for my own needs, so why do I feel I have to do more. Why do I feel guilty about buying things to make and keeping them for when I feel up to it? What is wrong with making things for myself even if I don’t get much use out of them? Why do I feel that making things for gifts has no value to them, because I have made them, even though it takes a lot of time and effort on my part, but yet if I buy something someone else has made it has a value? Why do I feel that other peoples things are better than mine, even though they probably took a fraction of the time and effort.
Why should my pain and other symptoms count less than anyone else’s? Why should I feel guilty for asking for help or support or for admitting I feel awful?
Why should I try to appear normal when I am not?
Why should I let people’s expectations, assumptions or demands get to me and take priority over my needs?
If I don’t feel like doing things, why should I feel I have to, or feel guilty for just sitting browsing Facebook if that’s all I feel able to do or feel that I have to make up for it later. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with Facebook, I think it is a big waste of time, but also feel it is my only connection with the outside world and also people with similar issues. I often get tied up in things and then realise I have used all my time and energy on something that I shouldn’t be doing.
Why should I feel guilty that I can’t walk my daughter to school, many others choose not to. Or that I can’t prepare and cook a proper meal, again many choose not to.
I could go on forever, but why should I? It will get boring and waste my energy, all ready feeling bad and needing to rest. I will sit watching the snow and try to make a bit more of my daughter’s birthday card, I only have 2 weeks to go!!
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