So frustrating

As ever as I am struggling with being ill and trying to get things done and keep people happy and do things I want to do.

I am currently juggling weekly counselling appointments, Christmas coming, daily routine and demands and fitting in what everyone else has going on and several other ongoing appts, which all pull me in several different directions and none take into acct the demands of the other.

The main issue is the weekly counselling which I was sent to for my depression.  I have to get myself there and back as well as the hour long appt and then I have lots of ‘homework’ recording what I do and how I feel and making plans to change behaviours and routines to allow myself me time and enable me to do ‘value added’ activities.  Now I also have to record what I am thinking and worrying about (she didn’t give me enough paper for that one!)  I never stop thinking!

I have a sort of routine where I get up and get Emily’s breakfast and nag her to eat it and get ready (she is like a zombie in a morning), I also do things like putting washing in and tidying up and by the time Emily goes out I am worn out and it’s not even 8am!  On Weds it’s even worse as we have to be up at 6am, Emily is out by 7, then Barbara arrives at 9 and I have to be at my appt for 10.  I can’t rest properly when I get back due to having done too much and having lots to think about.

The counsellor doesn’t seem to realise that the stuff she is giving me to do takes a lot of time and energy and just means I can do even less of the things I want to do as the things I need to do take priority.  The last week has been crazy either doing something significant or being stuck in bed.

I really want to feel better and happier, but I will always put the needs of my family before myself and ensure that they are able to do what they need and if I see something I would like to do I talk myself out of it as it clashes with someone else’s things or I won’t have the time and energy for it.  having all the ‘homework’ to do  just adds pressure and then I get into trouble for not having done it properly.

Yesterday I had a hospital appt we had to leave almost an hour before my appt as parking is a nightmare.  Then I sat in a noisy, busy waiting room for an hour before I was seen.  The appt took 5 mins!  I have to repeat this in 6 months! I need the appt as the condition (not my ME) needs to be monitored.  Having the appt meant that my rest time was much shorter and I couldn’t settle because of being overwhelmed.

I am supposed to fit in more ‘value activities’, but as my normal routine uses most of my energy and then the added commitments finish me off this isn’t possible, but then I get frustrated as I can’t do what I am being told and the counsellor says I am making no progress.  I end up trying to squeeze in the activities, but then get no pleasure from them as they have also become chores or I mess them up or can’t concentrate and then I have to remember everything and document it!  Most people would I am sure tell me to give up the counselling, but I do find some of it useful and also don’t want to give up as that makes me feel like I have failed at something else and I do want to feel better.

I sat down to try and stitch a Christmas card, but got so frustrated with all this other stuff and Emily was sending me endless texts so I couldn’t concentrate.  Now it’s too dark and I am even more worn out and need to try and work out what we are having for tea.  I am unable to prepare or cook the tea so we have to have something that we can cook and eat in 45 mins so that Emily and Rob can go to their activities tonight.

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