If cats claimed PIP

Having gone through the process of filling in my PIP application thought it would be amusing to do one for Timmy my old and doddery cat. Mind you he is too old for PIP and would need attendance allowance instead!

Name; Timmy the Cat

Age; 20 (96 human years)

Health Professionals
The Vet
Last seen in March due to urine infection

Health Conditions
Heart murmur
Reduced kidney function
Overactive thyroid

Yumove powder for Arthritis (has to be hidden in Tuna, try to avoid taking it)
Yumega liquid for coat conditioning (squirted on food, ask for it several times a day!)

Cooking and Preparing Food
I do not cook or prepare food, but will gladly trip up anyone who is.
My food comes out of a packet and I eat it cold.
I like to taste what my carers are having and will gladly eat their food instead of my own.

Eating and Drinking
I do a lot of both these activities. My food and drink is placed in bowls on the floor for me to eat. I am not able to use cutlery. I need my food chopping up or I choke. I am not impressed with some of the food I am given and know my carers hide medicine in my food. I will make myself sick if I am not happy with the food served. I am fed by the kitchen, but I have a supply of water and cat biscuits in the bedroom.

Managing Treatments
I avoid any treatments and will bite and scratch anyone who tries to administer medication or treatment.

Washing and Bathing
I am allergic to water. I used to give myself a good wash down with my tongue, but that takes up precious sleeping time so I don’t bother much now. My carers try to keep me clean but I bite and scratch them. I used to jump into the bath when it was empty and use it for a sleep, but I can’t jump now.

Toilet Needs
I used to prefer to use an outside toilet, but now I find it too much bother so have to use a tray full of wood pellets. My aim is not very good and I wee on the floor a lot and my tray has to be surrounded by waterproof pads. I am not very good at cleaning myself after the toilet and my carers sometimes have to wipe my bottom, although I can lick it myself if I want to. My carers have to dispose of my waste and I let them know when this is necessary whatever time of day or night.

Dressing and Undressing
I have worn the same clothes for 20 years so have no need to dress and undress, it saves a lot of time and I don’t need to decide what to wear. My carers try to tidy my clothes and clean them as they do get dirty and smelly, but I don’t see the need and will bite and scratch. Their latest trick is dry shampoo (for cats), just makes me look like I have been in a snow storm. My clothes are quite tangled in places and my carers try to untangle them, but I don’t like this and feel it most necessary. Sometimes they cut pieces out of my clothes and throw them in the bin.

I am very vocal, but my vocabulary is limited and people seem to have problems understanding my very clear demands. I have to repeat myself several times as people are very stupid. People speak a very strange language to me, I don’t understand why they don’t speak the same as me everyone should. People speak to me in funny squeaky voices and make noises at me, I am not impressed. I do understand some of their strange language particularly the words Timmy and Tuna.

I am unable to read. I depend on my carers for this. I don’t think they can read very well either as they give me medicine which I am sure it says not to be given and they don’t read the feeding instructions on the food that say feed on request any time of day or night.

Mixing with People
This is done on my terms, if I don’t want to interact I sit under the table or turn my back on people. I like to know what is going on and will sit in the same room as people. If they are playing a game or doing a jigsaw or reading I am happy to help by sitting on whatever they are doing. I am wary of new people and have to sniff at them to decide if I like them.

I don’t like anyone with a spray can, water or a vacuum cleaner. I don’t like anyone called vet.

Making Decisions about Money
I have never had any money. I like expensive things though and know if I am fobbed off with cheap stuff. My carers buy me things for cats, but they are not very interesting and I will ignore them.

Going Out
I go out at 6.30 every morning to assess my territory and then return a few minutes later for my breakfast. I have regular outings during the day. I need the door to be opened and closed for me and will request this very loudly to whoever is around even if they are still in bed. I usually walk around the garden and maybe a little way up the street. I hate going out in the car as it is always to the same place that I don’t like and I make a lot of noise about it, especially as I also have to go into a box.

I don’t really go out socially, but will go and see what the children are playing and occasionally meet the neighbouring cats.

Moving Around
I have to walk on all fours and I am not as mobile as I used to be. My legs are stiff and I can’t jump about like I used to. This means that I have to sleep on the floor all the time as I am unable to get into bed or onto a chair. When I move too fast or get excited my back legs collapse and I fall over. The other day I tried to lay on my side and couldn’t get back up and needed help from my carer. I have to hop up and down the stairs. I can move quite quickly if I want to get outside when I am told not to or if I hear the tin opener. I spend most of my time lying down and sleeping.

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